The Death Of A Writer

 Finally I confronted the death.

The death of everything human being can be felt.

No hello, no hi, no official greetings, no nothing at last.

Akhirnya aku bertemu dengan kematian. Mati akal, mati fikiran, mati ayat, mati segalanya. I'm dead to you and I'm dead to me.

3 bulan menyepi, menyepi dari sini saja la. Dari kehidupan yang sebenarnya tinggal badan ja yang bergerak, tapi segala-galanya mati langkah & mati rasa. Sometimes, I forgot how alive am I with all of these things. Selalu bagi kata-kata, ada ja cerita-cerita yang mau di ceritakan. Tapi akhir-akhir ni, life hit me hard and I don't know what to feel and what to expect. Untuk teruskan hari esok pun aku berfikir apa lagi benda yang terjadi ni, apa lagi benda-benda bodoh yang aku kena hadap. Ya, cakap memang senang, no matter how you've tried to comfort me, itu semua dari kata-kata, dari cakap ja tu, tapi akhirnya semua benda tu kau yang kena hadap sendiri. I gotta admit, the entry is pretty damn dramatic, mati la apa kejadah ayat tu, but the truth is, yes. I feel dead. Mau buat itu, mau buat ini, nothing excites me anymore. I gave up on everything. I waved the white flag. Memang betul, everyday is a roller coaster, harini kau rasa okay, hari tu pula kau rasa so-so, hari lain kau rasa dibodoh-bodohkan, hari yang satu ni kau rasa digunakan berabis, hari yang itu tu lagi kau rasa semua pun pancingan, hari seterusnya kau rasa happy, hari lain kau rasa kau ni di appreciate dari atas sampai bawah, dari kanan sampai kiri, depan sampai belakang, hari yang lain lagi tu kau rasa bodohnya kau ni percaya orang sampai begitu sekali. Damn, what a bumpy rides. Honestly, I'm tired. Mau cakap susah, dicakap kena twist balik, selebihnya bergelut dengan semuanya sekali sendiri. True, nobody will help you in the end. You only got your own self to trust, to love, to appreciate and to take care of. You only got you. What I feel now is a mix of beautiful things and a bullshit nonstop coming in a ridiculously way. Aku penat mau explain apa yang aku rasa, jadi last-last sekali, I'll deal with it alone. At last, nobody understand you the way you understand yourself. Nobody understand how struggle you are with what's left for you the way you understand it on your own. Everything is make sense now. Even with all of this, I'd smile a lot, I'd give positivity in every possible way, I'd crack a jokes, aku cuba jadi selesa dengan diri sendiri and which I am now (thankfully), I'll do what I want to do, I'll say what I was supposed to say with full of respect walaupun tahap kesabaran aku akhir-akhir ni bukan lagi setakat dikemuncak sudah, tapi habis sudah sabar, tapi kenyataannya juga aku buat ndatau ja hahaha. I always ended it with HAHA hahaha HAHAHA while I know it's not always HAHA hahaha HAHAHA. I always overthink, anxiety did not just come creeping in, it comes sprinting to me every single day, the depression is not there floating but I know it was somewhere down at the bottom, it's just not the time to come by yet. In the end, I love what I love, I'll stay with what I have now, walaupun semua nda menjanjikan & nda menjamin selamanya, but that was fine to me. I can live with that, for a moment. Someday, if the choices were there, if it forces me to pick a side, where I have to choose to leave it, I'll leave it, but slowly. If the choices make me leaving the things I love or the person I love behind, I'll leave it. I promise. Slowly and in my own way. Susahkan mau tinggal benda atau orang yang memang sudah kita sayang? Tapi itulah kenyataan, semua benda & orang pelan-pelan akan jalan juga, benda tu atau orang-orang tu nanti pun meninggalkan juga kan? So before it leaves, before they leave, I'll leave first, in a good way, in a loveable way. I'll leave it with great memories and a great impacts so they don't have to ask any reason why I left. GITEWWW! Anyway, mau habis sudah bulan 3 ni, ndalama lagi mau raya sudah. Mula-mula semua orang cakap, lamanya masa berjalan selama puasa, tapi sedihnya sekarang ni puasa pun mau habis sudah, seminggu lagi raya. Weeks by weeks berjalan pun nda rasa sudah sekarang. Seminggu lagi mau raya. SEMINGGU LAGI MAU RAYA! This is a reminder, not some fully content excitement. Tinggalkan bulan puasa ni macam-macam perasaan, ada yang happy sebab nda payah sudah puasa, nda sudah susah-susah bangun sahur, nda sudah penat, lesu, mengantuk siang-siang buta sebab selalu bangun sahur, tapi kalau aku, aku rindu semua ni. Bulan puasa ni la yang aku rindu, walaupun terlampau banyak dugaan, tapi bulan ni la yang macam-macam kau rasa, macam-macam kau kena handle, macam-macam kau kena control, perasaan kau, penat kau, emosi kau, segala-galanya la. Laju kan pertukaran topik? Macam orang juga, laju bertukar perasaan HAHAHA! Laju juga bertukar emosi, sekejap begini, sekejap begitu, sekejap okay, sekejap kelaut mood. Begitu la manusia, yang bukan-bukan ja timbul, yang bukan-bukan ja pertukaran dia. Hmm.

Sebelum lambat, tapi nda awal sangat. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri! Maaf zahir dan batin. Aku berhenti dulu buat benda-benda tulisan begini dalam beberapa lama. Just in case if somebody ever think of me, and they think of me being dead, I'm not trully dead yet, I'm still alive, tapi lama sudah nda buat benda begini. Lama nda menaip, nda share cerita begini. If somebody ever think of me la, kalau tiada, pun okay juga, tiada la tercari-cari kan. I'll stop for awhile, but then I'll come back again if I think somebody thought I'm dead. The writer me is partially dead already, I don't write anymore, I don't say anything wise anymore, cause I've got nothing else nice to confess already. But myself is still pretty much but weakly alive, cuma dikuburkan dengan banyak hal-hal dunia nyata. What I wrote today is half of what I felt lately and in conclusion, I'm okay. I'm still fighting it just to get myself barely holding on.

Thanks, readers.

Lots of love, from me, 

pww.